I wrote in my last blog about trying to be present in the moment. Can anyone say “work in progress?”
Fear comes in all forms
We lost two bunnies last year so I was all too aware of what might happen in my absence. For this reason it was actually more difficult to leave Nick Furry and Lisbeth than Daniel. He can come visit more easily and his life expectancy vastly outnumbers theirs.
It’s likely that there will never be a phase of my life where we don’t have pets. So at one time or another I was going to have to leave someone behind to make this journey a reality. My parents, husband, and self are in good health right now so it seemed like the time to make it happen. You never know when you’ll get cancer, lose a limb, or be beset with some other life-altering occurrence.
All this to say- I made my peace with the timing and consequences of this trip.
Some people told me this trip is brave of me. It doesn’t feel brave. At times is feels fanciful, tiring, exhilarating, lonely, life-changing, unreal, scary, and a host of other emotions.
The bravery and vulnerability that feels most pronounced right now is flying in the face of judgement. It feels as though someone out there is probably judging me for my choices. This trip is selfish. How can she leave her husband like that? Gee, I wish I could up and leave my life behind to go abroad. If she’s so big into animal rescue why isn’t she taking care of her own animals?
This of course is me projecting my baggage onto others. And if someone has thought these things that person’s opinion isn’t worth worrying about.
Partly because Nick Furry got sick so close to the end of my trip I did consider coming home. Given the lengthy recovery expected an extra pair of hands would be helpful to Daniel. To say nothing of spending time with Nick Furry.
But Daniel is in some ways a better bunny caregiver then I am. I get overly anxious and occasionally get feint when he administers subcutaneous fluids. Also…I think I might have accidentally insulted him when I started talking about coming home. Sorry honey!
Daniel can manage without me. I also have some coaching obligations over here that I’d really like to keep. So barring some other unforeseen event I’m staying. Though I may be wearing my Stay Present shirt to rags in the coming weeks.
Present and future, here and there
I’ve done my best to manage homesickness and be present and grateful for where I am during this journey. But knowing the end is approaching and having to make some plans for when I’m home meant that I was turning my thoughts towards the US. In a thoughtful, balanced way.
Now it’s taking a lot more energy and effort to be present and grateful for where I am. What’s that saying about when the student is ready the teacher appears….? Sigh Isn’t there an easier way to learn this lesson?